BIG GIRL TIME

Trigger Warning: This post contains discussions of depression, emotional distress, and difficult thoughts related to mental health and heartbreak.

Healing was not pretty for me.

I think sometimes online we see “healing journeys” packaged into aesthetic routines, solo dates, journaling, candles, Pilates classes, and soft music. While yes, there were beautiful moments in my healing journey, there were also moments that were incredibly dark. Moments I never thought I would make it through.

If you are new here, I am referring to the period of my life after breaking up with my boyfriend of three years. He was my first everything. My first real love, my first deep attachment, my first real heartbreak. After years of toxic cycles from both of us, long distance struggles, broken trust, and emotional exhaustion, our relationship ended.

And honestly? It was the hardest thing I have ever gone through in my life. There is no pretty way for me to say that.

I went through a very depressive period in my life. I was struggling greatly. I remember one night specifically it was around 4 a.m. and I was crying so hard, begging God to help me because I genuinely felt like I could not continue living in that amount of emotional pain. I had dug myself into a hole so deep emotionally that I truly did not know how to get out.

Looking back now, I honestly believe that prayer saved my life.

Because in that moment, something shifted. Not instantly. Not magically. But I had a revelation that Jesus had never left me. Even in all of my pain, He was still there. And more than that, He understood my pain long before I ever experienced it myself.

For the first time in a long time, I stopped trying to carry everything alone.

I enrolled in therapy almost immediately after the breakup. Honestly, at first I think I just wanted to “fix myself” quickly and move on already. I wanted to skip over the pain and rush to being okay again. But therapy became so much more than that for me. It gave me an outlet to speak freely, process my emotions honestly, and finally confront parts of myself I had ignored for years.

One of the hardest realizations I had to face was that I had made my relationship an idol.

I had tied so much of my worth, identity, joy, and emotional stability to being loved by another person that when the relationship shattered, I shattered with it. I lost my sense of self. I lost my self-respect. I denied myself emotionally over and over again because I wanted so badly to be loved the same way I loved him.

That kind of emptiness is hard to explain unless you’ve lived it.

My healing journey has been rough, patchy, beautiful, ugly, peaceful, exhausting, joyful, and heartbreaking all at the same time.

Some days looked like:

• taking myself on my first solo trip to Florida
• reconnecting with people who loved me all along
• spending quiet moments with myself and actually enjoying my own company again
• laughing genuinely after thinking I never would again (sounds fake but I SWEAR)
• feeling God’s presence in small moments

Other days looked like:

• crying alone wishing I could be held again
• missing the familiarity of having “my person”
• grieving the trips, memories, and routines we shared
• wondering if someone else would experience the version of him I once loved
• feeling terrified that I would never be loved deeply again

Healing is not linear. That is one of the biggest things I have learned.

You do not wake up one day suddenly healed. You collect moments. Tiny moments that slowly begin stitching you back together again. Moments where you recognize yourself a little more than you did the week before.

Because the truth is: I had completely lost myself.

Everything I did somehow traced back to wanting someone to love me as deeply as I loved them. The whole time, God was loving me more fully than any human ever could. And He never stopped. God loves me.

And if you are reading this wondering whether anyone understands your pain, I need you to know that God loves you too.

You may be struggling right now. Maybe it is heartbreak. Maybe addiction. Maybe loneliness, lust, grief, anxiety, stress, disappointment, or feeling completely lost in your life.

But even in your lowest moments, God has never left your side.

The next time you find yourself crying alone, wishing someone understood your pain, I want you to remember this: Jesus understands.

He is not distant from your suffering. He is near to it. He sits with you in it. He comforts you in it. He weeps with you in it. And He is constantly asking you to come closer to Him.

My healing journey is not finished. There are still days that hurt. There are still things I am learning. But now I know I do not walk through any of it alone.

Jesus will be with me through every step.